Uncharted Territory

I grew up around a lot of Christian people for most of my life and I can only name a few handfuls of people that were joyful - out of thousands.

I had heard so much.  I had went to church for so long - for every service.  I didn't miss many- Sunday morning, Sunday night, visitation, Wednesday night, revival - we were always at church.

I continued this into adulthood but then I started going do a different denomination but in all honesty it was a lot the same.  There was a few years when I went to a non denominational church that was actually quite wonderful.  There was some inner turmoil in the church and it ended with the pastor retiring and a new pastor coming in. 

My epiphany came when I sat in Sunday school as a mother and as an adult and the teacher asked what we would do if we only had a week to live.  There, of course, were the standard answers - tell as many people as I could about Jesus.

You know what?  I sat in my chair and my first thought was - "I would stop doing laundry and take my family to the beach."

I didn't think at all about Jesus or about eternity.  I came home and knew I had lost something.  It was a slow epiphany in my case because I kept going through the motions.  I kept reading my Bible daily, doing the accountability thing, going to church but I was pretty much spiritually dead inside because I just didn't believe that what I was taught was it.

I saw such a huge disconnect between what the Bible said and what I saw in churches.  And there was no joy and not a lot of hope.  But condemnation - now that was a plenty.  I was officially over it all.

I had lost my first love as the Bible said.  Manipulation and guilt just stopped working with me.  I could no longer go through the motions because of the guilt I felt.  It wasn't in me.  I did not want to.  I was done.  But I did not know anything else.  How else could one go to God without guilt?  How were you to fill the church pews if not for guilt for not knowing enough and not doing enough?

I didn't know if there was anyone out there that preached the Word but dropped the guilt.  Could there be?  I didn't think so.

So I just kept going to church but I stopped listening when I was there.  Tuning things out or literally walking out to sit in the cafe with my baby.  It is an odd place to be - spiritually desperate and hungry but not knowing what to do about it.


Christians are failing.  To preach the gospel, to love people, to show grace.  I feel like I am in a very odd place because I still 100% believe in Jesus.  I still believe what He says is true.  But I didn't believe in church anymore and I had a hard time going.  Its hard to say that because it was all I ever knew.

But I found that broken people didn't really belong in church.  You can't be broken and let people know about it.  Because if you do you aren't really having faith.  You aren't really changed. 

I finally found a church that fit what I needed.  I call it the soul healing church.   And I fear if we have to move or it disbands that I will stop going to church.

I love the Lord.  I do.  I know the Bible well having studied it all my life and memorizing many verses and chapters.  But legalism scares me.  It makes me run away.  It gives me hives - seriously.  I can't handle it.

So here I am forging ahead despite my fear and despite going into uncharted territory because with grace you don't have the checklist of things I should do or should not do.  With grace you just feel like you are free falling - literally and it is terrifying and wonderful at the same time.

And I'm still on this journey and I'm still trying to figure things out.  In the meantime I pray.  I really pray a lot. 

This was probably the book that gave me the most hope.  It changed my perspective and I love it!  I recommend everyone read it.

One Way Love!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


 

If you take your kids to church - read this.

Growing up I went to church - every Sunday morning, Sunday night and Wednesday night.  There wasn't really children's programs on Sunday night and sometimes not on Wednesday nights and then there was the time where I grew too old to go to children's programs on Sunday mornings so I sat in the service.

Now that I have children I think about that.  It was what I knew.  But yet there were sermons that I heard that I probably shouldn't have heard.  Once when I was around 7 I was there with my grandma.  I tried to sleep (she let me sleep on her lap) and the pastor told a story - a horrific one - that was in the news.  Of course he had to detail it.  Of course my seven year old mind could not grasp the horror of it and so I had nightmares for years.

It still haunts me.  It haunted me so long that when the internet came into existence I actually looked up the details of the story to make sure it was real and I hadn't imagined it.   Sadly, it was real.

Why am I telling you this?  Because well meaning Christians who would never let their kids watch a PG-13 movie allow their kids to sit in church with them and listen to sermons that have PG-13 content.

There is a big push now with the Family Integrated Church (Or movement - whatever) to have your kids in service with you.  And that is fine.  I don't care if you have your kids in service with you - but please, please, please screen the content and if it gets too much, get them out of there.

Another thing happened when I was 9 - it was during a Wednesday night AWANA's program and we were in there listening to a tape from the perspective of the child who was being aborted.

WHAT??????????????????????????????????????  I would never let my 9 year old listen to that.  My parents probably did not even know that I did listen to it.

It also shook me up and scared me to death.  I was a fearful child and had nightmares pretty much constantly so none of this helped.

Because of this, I am a much more discerning parent - or at least I try to be and I have vowed that I would walk out of a sermon if they start saying things like that with my kids present.  I also walk out now if it gets political.

Listen, kids don't need to hear that stuff from preachers, they need to hear it from parents in a loving home environment.  Just because it is from the Bible does not mean it is okay for kids.

I also once visited a church and had my kids in service with me (because they were to scared to go to their class).  The pastor started talking about demon possession and I had to run out to take care of my baby and I left the older ones in there for a moment.  Ack!  I wish I wouldn't have and I wish I would have left.  They don't need to hear that.  Not that he was wrong in what he was saying just that it was not for children's ears.

Yes, we will talk about all of those things someday and I will be the one to talk it through with them. 

Kids are quite literally a captive audience.  Think about them as you listen to sermons and teachings.  If it hurts you and makes you uncomfortable then get the kids out of there.  

This has been on my heart lately so I wanted to share it.