Friday, March 20, 2015

I'm a really bad friend right now

I can't really say when it happened.  Sometime over the last year I've started becoming a really bad friend.  I all but refuse to talk on the phone.  I only ever communicate through texting or social media.  I have almost developed a phobia of talking on the phone.

And my days - they are used up already before they even start.  I am a "mostly" stay-at-home mom.  I homeschool.  I'm assuming homeschool moms are similar to work-outside-the-home moms in that we just can't hang out during the day.  We can't do lunch with friends and by the end of our day - we are too exhausted to go out.  We can barely do dinner for our own family.  And lets not even talk about how I am doing some real estate on the side.

Homeschooling has completely taken it out of me.  Don't get me wrong - I mostly love it.  I love being with my kids all day.  I love the freedom we have.  I love seeing those light bulb moments.  Yet I am with my kids all day.  I am always needed.  I am always doing something.  I am always feeding someone.  I am always teaching someone.

It is wonderful.  It is emotionally taxing.  It is mentally draining.  I just don't have the capacity for others that I once did.  I wish I could find that balance.  I am taking MUCH better care of myself.  I'm eating better than I ever have.  I am getting exercise in on a regular basis.  I am fixing my hair and putting on make up and wearing jewelry.  I am finding time for me, for my husband, for my kids but I can't seem to find the balance to do things with friends.

I mean I do things with friends but usually only if we are doing something with or for our kids at the same time.  And if I can find any time to be without the kids I desperately need a date night with my husband.  I like my friends.  I really do.  I'm just not balancing that part of my life well right now.

And I'm finding this odd peace about being alone too.  I was one that NEVER wanted to be alone.  I always needed people around me.  I would get anxiety if I knew I had to be alone for an evening.  But now I have so much more peace and I actually have started craving alone time.  And I even went out to dinner by myself!  By myself people, I NEVER do that and I can't believe I did do that.  And I enjoyed it.  Am I turning into an introvert?  I don't know.  These are new roads that I am traveling.

I feel like there will be a day that I can freely talk on the phone again or go out on a Thursday night for coffee and dessert with friends.  Today is just not that day.

During the day I just cannot have conversations with people.  It puts my day behind and my kids know I'm on the phone so they quit doing school and run around like wild banshees and then I have to work twice as hard to get them back and focused.  When you lose focus it takes a lot to get it back!

To my friends:  I still love you.  I really do.  I still want to see you and hang out with you but I just can't do it well right now.  I still want to keep in touch but I can't always meet in person or even talk on the phone.  Someday I will be a better friend again.  Someday it will happen.


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